I'm glad that it's difficult. I'm glad that I've cried. Today is my official "moving day"...and I'm glad it's going to be hard.
I've been thinking, doing, ignoring everything needed not to feel sad. I wanted this move to be all goodness and excitement. I didn't want to add what I thought would be negativity by letting myself feel sad. Somehow, I felt like being sad was equivalent to being ungrateful...and I do NOT want to be ungrateful.
But the other day, I couldn't hold it anymore as I cried, and told my sister, Bek, "I'm sooo sorry because I feel like you and Heidi are getting the worst end of this move. I've been on the side where someone else's life is changing, and even though it's hard for them, there's the excitement of newness and change. I know that for you and Heidi, the only change that comes with this is the sad side of it...and I'm soooo sorry. I wish I could reverse it somehow."
She said to me, "Don't be sorry...it's only hard because it's been soooo incredibly good. It's hard because we were lucky to have gotten the past couple years and we just don't want it to change. If it hadn't been sooo good, it wouldn't be so hard."
And that's when I knew that feeling sad was the evidence of what had been "sooo incredibly good." Yesterday, I had so many people in church tell me they were going to be praying, visiting me, and looking for me to come home...I felt sad...and I knew it was the evidence of good.
I pack up my car today for the final part of my move. Tonight, I'll be sleeping on a mattress in Chicago. I have no doubt that the drive to my new home will be filled with mixed emotions...I'll be going to a Christmas party with some friends up there tonight, I'll think of all the fun and exciting times these next couple years are going to be, I plan to embrace being a Chicagoan with all of me...I'll live one of my favorite quotes by Jim Elliot, "Wherever you are BE. ALL. THERE. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." I'm all in...
...but I'm also going to let myself admit that it's hard and feel that with the excitement comes sadness...because it's just been soooo incredibly good. And I'm blessed to be able to say that...and feel it. So, I'm off, friends! I'll see you on the flip-side.
"We're almost there
and nowhere near it.
All that matters is we're going...
hello world." ~ Lorelai Gilmore