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Jekyll and Hyde

Who knew that picking a color for my office space would lead to me needing psychotherapy?! I wish I were lying.
When trying to figure out the Tami Paige Photography "brand", I thought it would be simple enough. Pick out a color, buy a couch, and bang! I'd have clients.  Not so much.  I sit and listen to people talk about "branding yourself" and how you just have to be yourself and sell that. I've heard famous people say this for years, "Being true to yourself.  Find out who you are, blah, blah, blah"...honestly, I've always found that topic to be quite boring...it's probably why now, I can't create a brand 'cause I don't know who I am.
I sound like I'm 13 years old....Honestly, until now I really didn't care if I knew who I was.  I really didn't.  This whole topic was brought to a head when I was having lunch with a friend and she suggested that my personality doesn't necessarily match how I write on my blog.  She was encouraging me not to try to be someone else but "be myself".  There it was again...I had to face it. NO CHOICE.
Well, you may have noticed that I haven't written on my blog much these past couple weeks 'cause I'm literally at a loss for words.  I don't know how to write...because I can honestly say that I have not been trying to write like someone else, but she was right in that I come off much more extroverted in my posts than I am if I were to have a conversation with you.

This morning, I decided to put down in words how I would describe myself, and it was actually quite frightening...here were just a few things I came up with:

- I'm pretty quiet when I'm in a group or with people I've just met 
but I talk waaaaaaaay too much when it comes to my family and close friends.
- I refuse to sing by myself in front of anyone, 
but when I'm in the shower or in the car, I play my music and sing waaaaaaaaaay too loud! Side note: I can't believe someone has not created a "karaoke" option for the car! The singers just get in my way!
- When it comes to having an opinion on which movie to watch or what restaurant to go to, I couldn't CARE LESS.  
But ask me my opinion on any political or life issue, and you'll get an earful. Literally, almost any topic and I've got an opinion.
- I'm cynical when it comes to love or falling in love myself...cheesy things make me really uncomfortable because I find them insincere.  
But, I'm always in awe and really admire people who are in love...and I'd like to be more like that.
- I first took up videography because cameras made me so uncomfortable. 
However, I LOVE acting...I would be an actress in a heartbeat if I thought I wouldn't let it ruin me.
- I tend to come across negative and snarky (how's that "L"? :))...
but inside I'm an unrealistic optimist.  I just don't tell people that because I don't want to be embarrassed if something doesn't work out.
- I'm extremely open about my life, almost to a fault...
until it comes to a certain point where I suddenly become extremely private.
- When I'm with my sisters, I get on a roll and trust me, I'm hilarious! :) 
Not so much when I'm with other people.

So, what I discovered is that I'm a walking contradiction...a Jekyll & Hyde.  I hate that. Well, I think I know what my colors should be...black and white, eh? :(

The thing is this...I don't edit my thoughts on my blog...because I LOVE to write and as I write, it's just me with my computer.  I can say and feel what I want and I don't think about people's opinions of me.  But when I'm looking at someone looking back at me, I begin to edit myself a lot...which can be a good thing or a bad thing.
I feel a lot of emotion inside...a lot.  I think in !!exclamation marks!! but I speak with ..periods..  Rebekah says it's because we were raised in a Japanese culture where you're taught not to show emotion. She's rightI've also been extremely self conscious most of my life with my looks, so the less attention that I could draw to people looking at me, that's what I'd do.  But inside, I was a performer.

So, as far as my blog is concerned, it is who I am inside...but I hope I haven't disappointed any of you or made you think I was being insincere. But I don't know how to write any differently and still be genuine.  If you've followed my blog since "silly nothings", I think you know that I've always written the same.  If you started following me since my photography blog, then you may have seen a change because I tried to give a professional air for a while, and then just realized it didn't work.

Wow, this is really long and I apologize.  I just felt like I needed to write this and put this out there...more for me than for anyone else.  And thanks "L", for forcing me to take a look at myself.  I promise, there will still be snarky in store, 'cause you were right...this girl has got some snarky! :)

Love to all...



Bethie said...

you should paint your office the colors of this blog post!! they describe you perfectly ;) i have always loved your honesty and the brilliant and crazy dichotomies that make you YOU!

Rebekah said...

I'm proud of you for finding the courage to finally post this! I know it's been hard for you to put this on the blog but I think it is well said (as always) and helps people know you even better!

love you,

Amber said...

I this this may be one my favorite posts, Tam. As I was reading this, I was nodding my head to pretty much all of it ; ) . .. and thinking, "that's why I love her."

I don't think it's all or nothing, one of you or the other, all I know is that I like both girls. ; )

And in that aspect, I think that's why it's so fun being able to watch you pursue photography for the glimpses of both.

Can't wait to see what you choose!

love you : )

heidi said...

I've always thought your blog is so who you really are. A lot of people don't see that, because you are a bit shy around big groups...unless you know them...like you said. I LOVE your blog, JUST THE WAY IT IS, because it's so YOU and I love YOU.

Tara said...

I agree with Amber! I love both sides! I guess I never thought anything of your blog not being genuine because I know you as both and have never once thought anything you've said is insincere and that you were a poser! haha Glad you posted! I was missing them. Now if you only had some quirky co-workers that you could post about. :-) Love you Tam!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Heidi. I am a person just like you - I am black and white. I am very much a wall flower in large groups and hide from attention; but with very close friends or family, I am loud, opinionated, and outgoing. I think some people that are not that way, do not get that you can really be that way and it is who you are. I sometimes struggle with knowing who I am as well. But as my husband says, It just makes me more interesting. He loves that he gets to "know me and see a side of me that most others don't." I usually don't post much, but wanted you to know that there are many others like you. Embrace who you are - I love your posts!

smw said...

i have never thought this blog wasn't a true representation of you. i think it's always been clear that it's what's inside that's coming out. i think i can relate with how writing is a place with less pressure than face to face, and so a 'freer' person may come out.

i love just who you are. in person and on your blog.

leah said...

well...you already know what i think about this subject. :D

you're great--inside & out. crazy & not-so-crazy. silly & snarky.

wahoo...go tami!

Imagine Artists said...

Love this.

Thanks Tami for sharing. I don't know you all that well, but I love the part of you that your blog shows. Don't change a thing!!! I always look forward to a new post from you and I can't wait to read what you write!

Kristi Zobrist

Anonymous said...

yesssss. i love it. all i know is this, i want to help paint!

can't wait for that epic bride pic...oh yeah.

Anonymous said...

oh wait, that comment was me. alison.

Carmen O. said...

I always love your blog because it does give a very real impression of YOU, Tam. No worries. By the way: you're the only photographer that I know who writes in colors and different fonts in one post. And I love how you're always honest about your inner thoughts, even if they don't always make sense. It's a comfort to the rest of us who are afraid to let it all hang out. And I have to agree: branding yourself is ONE TOUGH TICKET!!

Sarah said...

Thanks for FINALLY posting :)

Oh my, I would be REALLY sad if you changed up your blog - I love it as-is! I always thought that the blog is really YOU - who you are - and I love reading it. Since I don't spend much time in person with you, I get to see into your personality THROUGH the blog!

(Although trust me when I say I know how you feel!!)

Keep it up!

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