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Dear Mommy,


I sat cross-legged in the itchy grass...I felt a little scared and wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't.  I was doing everything to keep from crying, because I could hear you say, "It's okay Tami.  Mommy's right here.  Look at me and smile!"  

...I tried to smile.  But somehow, you seemed too far away.  Just out of reach, and I wanted to just be near you. To hold your hand.  

It's strange that as I write this now, I still feel the exact same way as I did back to my very first memory when I was just 1 year old.  Somehow, you still seem too far away and all I want to do is have you near...to hold your hand

It's 10 years today.

Ten years since I lost you.

How can that be?

I've felt this day looming like a bad birthday I didn't want to face...because at 10 years, it seems like I should be able to put my stake in the ground and say, "It's all better".

I wish I could tell you that I've done it all right these past ten years...that you would have been proud of me in every step, every decision, every turn I've taken...but I've made some mistakes...a lot actually.  I've fallen at times...probably even harder because you weren't there.

Remember how you and I had plans of me working in the political realm? I was going to change the world...yeah, I never did that.  I couldn't.  After you died, I couldn't find the strength or even the desire to do it without you pushing me forward.

Instead, I'm a photographer.  I'm smiling as I write that because I'm not sure what you'd think of that...yeah, I just don't know.  I think you'd be proud, 'cause Daddy is.   I think you'd be proud 'cause whether I was changing the world through legislation or photographing people, as long as I was loving God, loving our country, loving family, and loving people...as long as I still stood for what I believe, as long as I'm still not afraid to ask tough questions...as long as I'm engaging in life and not just letting it pass me by, as long as I'm living with integrity...as long as I remember those who can't stand for themselves...as long as I do what's right, not what's easy, I know you'd still consider me a world changer.  I'm doing my best...and of that, I know you'd be proudest of all.

I miss you.  The intensity of it comes and goes like waves...but it always remains true that I miss you.  That's not a negative though...the longing is almost a validation that you were here, you were my mother, and I was your daughter.  That may seem obvious, but sometimes, having you here feels like a lifetime ago...and the subtle pain of losing you reminds me that it was real.  

Daddy is doing so good.  He misses you.  A lot.  Your name is always on his heart...and he's always quick to bring you up.  He was in love with you...

He married Rika...a beautiful woman from Japan.  You would adore her as we all do.  She's the perfect fit in our family...I never imagined such a flawless fit.  She honors you...and even though, you never met, I can tell that in a sense, she misses you too.  She loves the memory of you...and I love her for it.  To know her is to love her, and you'd be so happy that she's in our lives.

You have beautiful grandbabies...seven of them.  They're a combination of beauty, spunk, silly, tenderness, and spice.  I love them more than I ever even imagined I could...they feel like my own, and sometimes, when I look at them I think of you and how much you would have loved them...and when I think that, I squeeze them a little tighter because I want to somehow make-up for what you could never give. They are the absolute joy in my life.

Rebekah and Heidi have become amazing wives and mothers.  I know that wouldn't surprise you...it never has me...because they were exceptional daughters to you and sisters to me.  They have taken your example and built on it...they are two of the most amazing women I know.  I'll be honest, they kinda mother me a little :)...I know that it's because they're my big sisters, but I know that in some way, without you here, they feel the weight of it fall on them even more.  You would be proud of them...without a doubt.  They are exceptional human-beings.  We've stuck together, us three girls...through the hard times and the best days...we've stuck together and have remained the best of friends.

During those first few years of you being gone, I had many, many, many nightmares.  I'd often wake up crying.  I prayed they'd stop, but they wouldn't.  Then instead, I started to pray that you'd forgive me for mistakes I made...but most of all, I prayed that somehow, you'd know how much I loved you. I loved being your daughter...I was proud to be yours.  I started telling you...just speaking those words, "I loved you...did you know how much I loved you?" and the nightmares stopped...and so I want to tell you once again, "I loved you so very much."

Each year, on June 11th, I disappear.  I turn everything off and I walk away from life for a day.  This year was going to be the same...but something in me doesn't want to disappear anymore.  Not this year. I made plans...plans to be with people I love.  I don't want this to be a day that haunts me anymore...but instead, I want it to bring good...to love even deeper, say thank you an extra time, to engaged in life...not run from it.  You, my dear mother, had a beautiful heart...and it touched mine.  So I want to share that.




Before I end this, I wanted to give you a gift...

If there was one thing you LOVED, it was music...most of all when Rebekah, Heidi and I would sing together.

It was common to be sitting through a talent show at a family camp and have the MC announce, "Next will be the Inoue Sisters to sing us a song."  We three would look at each other in shock and then know that it was you who had signed us up without telling us.  We'd look at you as you'd say, "Oh girls, you can do it.  Just pick one and sing it." That was life with you...you'd force us to stand-up in life.  It often terrified me, but you'd push us without question and it was as though it never dawned on you that we could fail.  Not engaging was never an option...you required it of us.

As I sat under that blue tent at Evergreen Memorial cemetery, starring through blurred vision and tears at the coffin that held you, who I loved so much, it wasn't a question...I knew, we'd stand up.  We'd sing one last time for you...because that was the best way we knew how to honor you in that moment.  People have asked us since, "How in the world were you able to sing at her funeral?"...I don't know.  I guess it was all those spontaneous talent shows...that, and just a lot of grace.

A few years later, we recorded the song we sang that day...but I've never shared it.  It just never felt right I guess...but somehow, today it does.

So here's to you, my dear Mommy.  I love you still...

Faster. Higher. Strong.
Your Tam-Tam


44 comments:

Alissa said...

Truly beautiful. Everything in this post. Thinking of you and your sisters today. I love all of you. ~Alissa

emilykate said...

Beautiful words...and song. Prayers for your family today!

Schlipf family said...

beautiful. One of the joys of Heaven will be to see your family reunited..all circled together!

J Gutwein said...

I had to work up the nerve to open the post upon seeing the title ;). It was harder and better than I thought it would be..

leah said...

this post is just beautiful. thanks so much for letting us listen in to this beautiful memory of her. love you three girls so much -- praying for you today!

J Gutwein said...

Ps: Now I miss you guys so much. I remember when I was a little girl and my Uncle Kurt was looking over at me in the car telling me we were going to the coolest place and that I would just love you guys. You were such a little team showing me the glories of popcorn while watching some cute little movie. I remember thinking Uncle Kurt was right, this is a very cool place ;).

Emilia Jane said...

Tami you bring tears to my eyes. Your writing is so beautiful and your honor is powerful. All the hugs I have to give are yours today.

Lauren said...

This is so beautiful Tami. I know your mom would me so incredibly proud of you because I know I am. You are a beautiful spirit and even though I didn't know her...your mom is inside you more than you know. Thinking of you today...

Kara P. said...

So beautiful. Isn't it amazing how God provides the grace to go on and grow even in our sorrow? May your day be full of love!

Abi said...

I'm bawling here...Tam, this is beautiful! Although I was too little to really know and remember your mom, I know that my family knew her well. Even so, I love hearing you girls talk about her and I feel like I would've loved her too! You all were blessed to have such an amazing woman in your lives and I can tell her legacy lives on in you! I pray that your day can be a wonderful reminder if how blessed you are to have had her. I love you (Bek and Heidi) and I feel blessed to share in the joy of bringing music to others!

Tara said...

I bawled through this entire post. It took me right back to that day at the cemetery listening to you three sing and wondering how in the world you got through that whole song. Love you guys! Loved your post and that she will always be missed and never forgotten!

Anonymous said...

That was such a sweet tribute to your mom, Tami. Your mom would be so proud of all three of you and what your family has become. I'm sure it wouldn't surprise her though since she knew how talented you all were. And without a doubt, she would love that you are using the creativity God has blest you with as a photographer! ~Penny

Amber said...

Words seems to take away from how you so courageously and beautifully honored and remember your mom with your words Tam. So through my own tears, I feel I can say quite confidently she would look on you with the same pride and deep love you honored your sisters with as well. I am grateful to have all three if you be a small part of my life... And that her fingerprints are so clear in all of you. Lots of hugs friends and praying you will be blessed spending this day with others.

Tim and Em said...

Beautiful Tami. Sending love your way today.

rahattan2003 said...

Tears are flowing. I remember the day so well. This is a beautiful post about a wonderful woman. May you feel God's peace today Tami.

Amanda Miller said...

Tami, you have honored your mother so beautifully. And not just through these words, but through your life! My heart goes out to you today!

Kasey said...

Wow! Some of your best work yet, Tam. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us. I love you and I loved her! Praying for you today and always!

Beverly Huber said...

Beautiful tribute, beautiful song, and such a wonderful, loving heavenly Father to carry each of you to this day. Thanks for sharing this!

christine said...

You have such a gift with words! I did not know your mom, but I know her daughters, and they are each incredible Christ-followers. Blessings to you!

Marla said...

Beautiful words, Tami. And you can trust me in this...she never once doubted your love for her.

Alesa said...

Tam, I have to agree with Jenny...this was harder and better than I thought it could be. Your mom was amazing, selflessly sharing her love with us all. Love you guys so much.

klop said...

I am so blessed! Thank you for sharing you heart - it totally touched mine!!! Your mom so blessed my life! Praying for you and all your family!

Kathy S, said...

This was beautiful, Tami! Thanks for sharing. She loved you so and would be so proud of you. Love you! Loved her!

Anonymous said...

beautiful is all i can say Tam.
sk

alisonsutter said...

Beautiful. You are a world changer Tam...you've changed my world. And I know many others.

Amber said...

As I was reading your post my 6 year old son came out from "quiet time" and found me crying at my computer. "Why are your eyes wet, Mommy?" he asked. How could I explain to him how your words and the memory of your mom/family touched my heart? Even though our paths rarely cross these days, my love for you and your family still runs deep. May God's comfort be so real to you today!

Amber said...

As I was reading your post my 6 year old son came out from "quiet time" and found me crying at my computer. "Why are your eyes wet, Mommy?" he asked. How could I explain to him how your words and the memory of your mom/family touched my heart? Even though our paths rarely cross these days, my love for you and your family still runs deep. May God's comfort be so real to you today!

megs @ whadusay said...

Love you Tami. Been thinking about/praying for you and your sisters today and remembering you special, special mom.

Rebekah said...

Tam...I love u so much and love how u are able to put into words so much of what I feel.

MarknBarb said...

Oh my, that was beautiful! God bless your lives.

Barb

bonnie k said...

So beautiful Tami! I know your mom would be so proud of all you girls!
thanks for sharing!

Daveana said...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for Sharing! Beautiful Tami! Thinking about you during this day!

Gpa and Gma Hoerr said...

Oh, Tami, I spent most of yesterday afternoon reading and listening and crying. What a beautiful person your Mom was! She brought so much joy into our lives. And your Dad became dear to us just as all your girls did!Our last visit with her was at VonMaur and it lasted a long time with big hugs ending it. That wasn't long before the Lord took her Home. What precious memories. God keep you in His care till we all meet again. Love and prayers, Gpa and Gma Hoerr

P.S. Thanks to all you girls for singing at our anniversary party. That was special!

Kathy said...

I don't believe we have ever met, but your tribute to your Mom and the song really touched my heart. In 2005 we were visiting our daughter in Nanjing China and went to a passport church. I was visiting with the speaker's wife and as we were making connections, she told me that she had a friend named Kathy Inoue. While I knew of your Mom I don't believe I knew her, but she gave me a connection. She touched lives with her faith and through you is still touching lives. Thank you for sharing.

Lynn Roeschley said...

WOW tami! your mother left a tremendous legacy!!! You definitely have a talent of photography and capturing the emotional part like ive never seen before....you are amazing! I know your mother is smiling down on you every day with every step you take. Thank you so much for being so open about your loss and posting your thoughts....May He continue to wrap His arms around you...

Patsy said...

Tami - this a a beautiful tribute to your mom. I loved her and love the beautiful girls she raised. May the Lord wrap His arms around each of you as you celebrate the wonderful mom you had!

Brooke said...

So beautiful...

Anonymous said...

Tami - Our prayers are with you along with Rebekah & Heidi and their families! Your Mother was so very special and dear to us! We always looked forward to coming to your house and having sleep overs. Precious memories were made and are still cherished to this day! May God comfort you and hold you extra close when you hurt and miss your Mom. We pray and think of you girls often! Thank you for sharing! Love, Sharon (Kieser) Witzig

~Christy said...

Oh shoot - I commented on this on my phone yesterday & apparently it didn't post. What I tried to say was that this was absolutely beautiful and you had me in tears. It was so wonderfully honest and open, and while I didn't know your mom, I know she would be proud of you. You're the type of person that when I am around you - you make me want to be a better person. You are one of the kindest, most genuinely GOOD people I've ever met, and I'm positive your mom had something to do with that. Big hugs to you love. (And regarding your post today - I'm all over a backyard party!!!) ;) xoxoxo

jessica leman said...

wow, this is both beautiful, emotional and intimate. thank you for sharing such a personal post with us. love you Tami. praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Tami, That was beautifully written and your song was beautifully sung. You had an amazing Mom who raised three amazing daughters. We love each of you so much.

Denny and Bonnie

Anonymous said...

So touching. So rich in love and devotion to your Mom and family. The power of your words could be felt in my heart and soul. Tears flowed. I wish I could have know your Mom. Knowing you and your sisters makes me feel like I have meet her. All of you reflect the Love of Jesus. I am thankful you came into my life. Your talent in photography is award winning. Your talent in writing is right up there. I am proud and thankful for your successes. I miss seeing you.

Eva Rocke

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this wonderful tribute to your Mom, Tami. Kathy was a wonderful blessing to my sister-in-law, Carol Sauder & so many others. I too have 3 daughters. Your thoughts & testimony make me ponder what legacy I am leaving for my daughters & others. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts to encourage us in ways of righteousness. It is obvious that your Mom left a wonderful legacy in her three beautiful daughters. God bless you! Judy Sauder

Anonymous said...

I remember hearing your angelic voices at your mother's gravesite when you and your sisters sang those moving words. It was such a moving testimony of the love, faith and legacy she shared with you. She would be so thankful, proud and humbled by each of you. Thank you Tami for sharing such a tender part of your heart and life - you were blessed with a special mother, and she was blessed with three special daughters. May God ever comfort and be with you - with love & prayers, Bev Bahr

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