I tend to process in silence. I think it comes from not wanting to over-dramatize things.
However, when all this "internal processing" landed me in the hospital last year, I realized that maybe there is value to letting it out at times...which is what prompted a conversation with my sister on my recent visit home.
I said to her, "Heidi, I feel like I need to talk to you because there's been something that I just need to think through with someone." So I started talking...and talking...and even more talking. I told her that I've been feeling confused and like I just couldn't wrap my mind around what I was even thinking or feeling. By the time I was done, I expected her to drive me straight to the psychiatric ward and wish me well. But instead, she said exactly what I wasn't expecting...
She said, "I don't think you care as much as you think you do."
She went onto say, "Yeah. I think the thought of losing something is confusing you into thinking you care more than you do...but I can tell that you don't. So, I think you're going to be just fine 'cause you're not as invested as you may be afraid that you are, and because of that, it's okay if you lose this."
I know that this may not be making any sense to you as a reader...but it was one of the more freeing things I'd been told recently. She was right...I didn't care as much as I thought I did.
This past weekend, I was shooting a wedding with a friend and we were struggling to get the little flower girl to look at the camera and smile...that is until my friends said, "Don't look at the camera! Don't you dare smile!" Immediately, the little girl turned, put her hand on her hip, and gave us the biggest grin her little face could stretch.
I find that sometimes, I'm that little flower girl. I'm still a little four year old that wants to cry for the very toy I didn't see until someone else is holding it. It could be personal relationships, business opportunities, friendships, someone's opinion of us, or notoriety...whatever it is, it seems so clear when it's said back to me, but so difficult to see inside my own heart.
So the truth is, I don't care as much as I think I do. She was right, and that was a great thing.