I tried blogging today but...

I've been sitting...starring at the blinking cursor in this blank post.  I have 74% battery.

I open a new tab in Safari.  I give Facebook a quick look over.  Wow, it looks like a friend of mine got engaged over the weekend! That's exciting.  Hmmm, what else?...I look through a couple weddings posted by my photog friends.  It's summertime, so Mondays are always full of those posts from the weekend.

I look at Instagram...shoot. My phone only has 7% battery.  I should have brought that charger.  Why are all my batteries running low?  Maybe they're just mimicking my mood.  They know it's a cloudy day...the perfect day to take it easy.

I click back to my blog tab.  That cursor is still blinking.  That post is still blank.  62% battery.  I didn't bring my charger to Starbucks...it was supposed to serve as motivation to sit down and write.

I look out the window.  There's a guy whose waiting to cross the street...his physique clearly boasts of a well used gym membership (unlike mine...I really need to try canceling that again).  He's "forgotten" to button his flapping shirt...but as the wind picks up because a storm is coming, he reluctantly gives in.

58% battery.  I really need to get a new battery for this computer.

Ugh...what should I write about?  I could post a picture of a recent shoot...I should work on that tonight when I have my charger.

There's a girl sitting a couple tables over from me...she's interviewing for a job.  I can't tell if it's going well.  I can't even tell if she really wants the job...probably a good sign that the interview isn't going well.

Sitting behind her is a guy who keeps taking pictures of his computer screen with his phone.  Is he going to Instagram? My kind of guy.

*Thunder*...we all look up.  I can see the construction worker outside say to another, "Thunder" as he points to the sky.  He pulls out his phone...probably checking the weather. Is it going to pass quickly or should they call it a day? The other guy gets on his phone...probably calling their supervisor.  At least, this is the story I've written in my head about them...for all I know, they're ordering a pizza.

47%

I didn't know you could order a grande drink in a venti cup and ask for extra ice...thank you, Lauren! My Starbucks experience has just gotten significantly better.  I'm crunching on my extra ice.

Nat King Cole is singing to me.  It's raining.  I'm chewing ice.  I like this moment.

I remember something Jonas Peterson said to me a couple years ago as we sat at dinner in the Dominican Republic.  He leaned over and said, "Sometimes, I just stop.  I listen. I feel the condensation of the water from my cup on my fingers.  I feel the breeze on my face.  I hear the cooks in the background arguing.  Someone is laughing.  It smells humid...salty. And I just take notice of this moment.  Not for any profound reason, but just to take notice of these moments."

32%...maybe I'll pack up and go home...or for a walk.  It is raining after-all...the best time to take a walk.

Thoughts from Yesterday

I have no set-up for this post...just random thoughts I had yesterday.

There is something about sour dough bread starter that creeps me out.  That, and cast iron pans.  Why is it that you have to feed one and can't use soap on the other?  I think there's something about how there's no clear end to either...the idea of feeding a vat of yeast to "keep it alive" could almost give me nightmares.  Unless I can pet it or talk to it, I don't want to feed it.  And how is the idea of cooking out of something that never gets a really clean do-over okay?  But don't get me wrong, I love sour dough bread, and I cook out of a cast iron pan.  I'm a complete contradiction with no morals in my food choices.

*My sister, Rebekah, making magic in the kitchen...I blame her.

Recently, some of the most profound lessons have come from realizing what a terrible dancer I am.

I would rather listen to "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" than just about anything else on the internet.



I really don't know much. At all, really.
I know VERY little.
I suspect the  m a j o r i t y.
I hope for the rest.



A bag of fruit snacks always leave me wanting just a couple more and happy that I had them.  They're basically the perfect size of packaging.



I think I literally heard my hair cry for a trim the other day.

I would try coconut oil pulling if it wasn't for the name...something about it...ewe.

I recently read that airlines are possibly going to start offering standing seating in order to fit more people on a plane:

Basically, we're now Ben Hur in the gallows of a Roman ship...and yes, I AM a little embarrassed that that's my pop culture reference.



Whenever I post one of these "Random Thoughts" posts, I read back over them and can see from the outside in, why I'm so quirky at times...okay, most times.  I'd try and rewrite it to make myself sound a little "cooler", but the bad thing about that is people eventually meet me, and I'm too lazy to try and live "cool" Tami...quite impossible really.  So, instead I don't edit and people avoid meeting me. ;)

Happy Thursday friends!!

Kayleigh {Fashion}

I couldn't have asked anyone more perfect than Kayleigh. She is one of the kindest humans I know and is the perfect combination of sweet and spice.

In wanting to shoot more personal projects, I asked Kaleigh if she'd let me practice with her...and as you can see, she agreed. ;)  

There's something very scary about trying something new. I make mistakes...a lot of mistakes.  I feel like an amateur all over again.  I am an amateur all over again.  But there's something very good that trying something new and messing up brings.  The perfectionist in me HATES...really, really hates feeling bad at something.  But what would scare me more is to ever let myself ever feel like it's too late to try something new.

Thanks so much for standing in front of my lens, Kayleigh...and for being scared with me. :)  You are a gem and the embodiment of acceptance and a safe place to fall.  These pictures mean so much more because it's you.  So much love for you, friend!!!

Why + What

It's funny to write this 'cause I'm about to prove my point...

I've been on a social media fast...and I think the only one that noticed, was me. :) I was only on it for 2 weeks.  I'm back now, and what I'm about to write isn't going to be breaking news to anyone but I thought it was worth noting for my own sake.

theWHY

I will be the first to defend social media.  I'd probably also be the first to criticize it.  Wait, what? You don't want to hop on the Tami Paige roller coaster of thinking?! ...I don't blame ya, it's a little frightening even for myself! :)

Social media has given me my business.  It's given me the freedom to work for myself, and I've marketed without ever having to spend a single red penny...I owe all that to social media.  I've made, kept in touch, and reconnected with MANY friends...thanks to social media.  You all know my love for Instagram...it's shown me that often, less is more.  I get to take risks, play around with, and document with photography...thanks to social media.  I've poured out my heart, made countless jokes that I find hilarious and others shake their heads at, posted pictures, interviewed friends, made cooking videos, and have used it as my virtual playground...all thanks to social media.  So, in other words, I love social media and owe a lot to it.  That's probably why I was actually afraid to take a break from it, but...

Social media can also give you just enough information to make up fantastic stories on people's lives...that are probably pretty inaccurate.  It can give me the excuse to 'know' them through their Instagram feed or Facebook wall without ever seeing them face to face.  When I abuse social media, I can begin to use it as a window for comparison...and however I react to it, whether it makes me feel better or worse, is not right and I'll be honest, I could tell I was abusing it.  Social media can take the touch out of relationships for me if I become more curious than caring with it.  Jeanne Steven once said, "Don't let the outside of someone define the inside of you."...that is what I can let social media do for me when I don't keep it in check.

I came to a point, both personally and professionally where I was feeling a little stifled and weighed down by it all.  It was this very ugly game of comparison I was playing...and it's not Facebook or Instagram's fault.  It was mine, because as with all good things, I wasn't balancing it correctly.

I've talked a lot about "perspective"...and it was time I regained a little.  I wanted to deliberately "look up" from my phone and engage...but I'll be honest, I was a little scared.  It sounds really funny to say that now.

theWHAT

I was scared because my business and "store front" are all media based, I kept thinking, "Will I lose my business?"  Again, that sounds kind of ridiculous now.

So that was my first lesson...no one noticed. :)  I had a couple friends notice that I didn't 'like' their Instagram pictures, but I'm pretty sure they didn't lose any sleep over it.  I had a couple friends notice that my blogging had become non-existent, but pretty sure they just clicked-on to the next one.  No one noticed...which was a huge relief to me.  I know it probably shouldn't be, but it was.  I can get myself worked up in thinking that too much of my life is on display...but the age old saying remains true, "People aren't thinking about you." That sounds terrible, but it's really kind of wonderful.  The time I occupy in their minds is about the time it takes for them to swipe to the next picture.  

I've literally watched friends jeopardize tangible relationships for more Instagram followers (a couple of long and boring stories)...but did you know, if you delete your Instagram account, you can't get it back? You lose all your 'followers' (a term that I really hate).  It's THAT temporal...and I kind of love that because it just really doesn't matter how many 'followers', likes, or friends we get.  It does in that it's always great to have something we put out affirmed (trust me, I love every 'like' I get...it's fun), but it has NOTHING to do with me personally.

I've found myself on this little journey around the mid-west connecting with friends, face to face...and I keep saying, "I'm breathing".  I really am.  I'm looking in the eyes of these friends and family I follow, I'm tasting the food they make, I'm laying in their hammocks, I'm petting the dogs they photograph, I'm listening to their music, I'm dancing with strangers, I'm hearing the laughter of their kids, I'm seeing their frustrations, I'm watching their lives, I'm telling them about mine...we've laughed, cried, been scared, been brave together...they have opened up to me, and I to them.  I didn't even plan this trip...it just kind of happened, because of this fast.

What I've learned through this is that I don't hate social media...I actually love it.  But I've also learned that it's good for me to take a break and breathe from it.  That behind each account I follow are real people and real emotions.  I really love these people, and I think they really love me back. ;)  I learned that I'm much more addicted to it than I thought, and yet, I'm also not as addicted as I thought.  Meaning, it occupied much more time than I'd even noticed...it was my go-to in too many situations.  However, cutting it out wasn't as difficult as I'd thought and in the end, I didn't miss it as much as I'd predicted I would.

I'm back on social media, and no doubt, I'll take a break from it again at some point. The fast was very needed and I'm no hero for having done it, just a much richer person.  Perspective regained. :)

Adele

It's my blog and I'll brag if I want to. ;)

No, seriously.  I know that aunts who force you to look at pictures of their newborn nieces or nephews rank in the same annoyance category of having to watch cat videos...unless you're Erin, in which case, it's all love for ya friend! :)

But the truth is, if you follow me on Instagram, you know that as much as I try to avoid all the kid pictures, I fail more than I succeed.  So, this is my long way of warning you, if you don't like baby pictures, I'd click-out now > Cat Videos

A couple weeks ago, my beautiful little niece, Adele, came into our world...and I couldn't be more in love.  She's the third in her family and number 8 for my nieces and nephews.  You'd think that by number eight, I would be less excited, but I am every bit as in love and taken with her as I was my first nephew.

To say that these two are a match made in heaven would be an understatement...Jarod (my brother-in-law) is completely in love with his baby-girl.  It's pretty cute.

I'm convinced that 'aunt' is the best title in the world.  I know that all moms would probably argue that with me, but I've tried to imagine a role better than mine.  I get to come in, have all the fun, and hand them back at the end of the day.  I'm basically the superhero of fun if I want to be...and can ninja right out if needed. ;)

If you have any hesitations with loving or trusting your heart with someone, I always say to love on kids because they are the most trustworthy people to give your love to.  I find that they soak up any love I give and give it back x100 without question.  They have taught me more on loving with reckless abandon than any book or movie I've seen.  I want to love like them when I grow up. :)

My beautiful sister, Heidi and her baby girl the day after.

Adele is just a little Heidi, in my opinion...which makes me love her even more.

I love you, little Adele.  In an instant, you had me completely.

11.eleven

Each year that passes, this day continues to leave an ache in the pit of my stomach.  I walk through it like I did eleven years ago...hour by hour, I replay the events of the day.  I was a 21 year old college student who was nannying that morning.  My biggest worries were my weekend plans.

This was my favorite art piece from Art Prize a couple years ago called 'Moment of Transformation'.  

I was probably a typical college student.  I was getting good grades, had a lot of friends, nannying part-time, had traveled, I'd moved to Oklahoma and back as a Legislative assistant, I was going to be an aunt for the first time, living at home.

My mom always called me her "thinker", which meant that I spent a lot of my conversations with her asking questions about life, ideas, politics, spiritual curiosities, doubts...I was always thinking.  I'm not saying it was a bad thing...in fact, my mom would encourage that in me, but what I didn't realize at the time is that until you live it, it means nothing.  I could spout some pretty good concepts, I'd pursued some significant dreams, but at the end of the day, I felt pretty selfish.

I don't look at June 11th, 2003 only as the day I lost my mom, but it was the day I was forced to grow up.

I laid in my bed with my best friend and said, "I don't feel like she was done raising me...I'm still just a kid."  But the truth is, she was done...beyond all our control...she was done...and I was now an adult.

It started that afternoon when I had to call friend after friend, family member after family member and deliver the bad news.  I'd hear the excitement on the other end as they'd exclaim what a fun surprise it was to have me call, I'd get the knot in my stomach as I'd brace for them to fall apart on the other end, and I'd deliver the bad news...they'd lost their best friend.  That grew me up.

It changed when I found myself sitting in class, and instead of taking notes, I was making a meal plan for the week 'cause my Dad would be home and I needed to buy us groceries...chicken stir fry it was...again. My poor dad.  He ate a LOT of chicken those first few years!  I think it's partly why I watch so many cooking shows now...because cooking was one of my biggest insecurities when my mom died and I was determined to conquer it. That grew me up.

I no longer had just my room to keep clean...it was the house.  I didn't have my list of chores...if I didn't do it, it didn't get done.  That grew me up.

A home of four became a house of me in 6 months as my sister got married and my Dad spent most of his time in Japan. That grew me up.

My biggest worries were no longer my weekend plans...I fell into survival mode. I hardly had time to mourn and process what had happened.  So often, I'd find myself laying in bed listening for the laundry room door to open, hoping somehow it was some misunderstanding...she was coming home.  But she didn't...and that grew me up.

I began seeing people around who had experienced loss or pain, no matter the scale in which it affected their life, and it was as if I'd been handed a gift.  I watched people love on me and reach out to me and I began taking lessons on how to love well, 'cause I knew it wasn't easy.  My world, which had felt so big, now seemed so far reaching it was almost overwhelming in the best way.

Losing my mom grew me up.  It's not easy to look past myself...it's a class I will always be taking.  But I learned that love isn't about being seen.  It's about seeing.  It's not about being heard.  It's about listening.  It's literally things like emptying the dishwasher, making chicken stir fry, and dusting fans. It's learning that just to have someone to make dirty dishes is the reward...it's never about keeping score.  It's all about what I can give...not get.

I was a little girl the morning of June 11th, 2013...and eleven years later, I still am in so many ways.  But I also know that losing my mom grew me up in so many ways and was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I often say that I wish she knew grown-up Tami instead.

Last year, 11:11 became significant to me as I'd take it as a reminder that I'm not in this alone. God's got my back. Today, on June 11th...on the eleventh anniversary of my mom passing, I needed that reminder.  The experience of losing my mom was the most difficult one to receive, but I am so very thankful for it because it grew me up.  But I'd be lying if I said I don't still feel like a little girl who aches for her mom on days like this...and somehow, I think that's okay too.

The Relief in Not Caring

I tend to process in silence.  I think it comes from not wanting to over-dramatize things.

However, when all this "internal processing" landed me in the hospital last year, I realized that maybe there is value to letting it out at times...which is what prompted a conversation with my sister on my recent visit home.

I said to her, "Heidi, I feel like I need to talk to you because there's been something that I just need to think through with someone."  So I started talking...and talking...and even more talking.  I told her that I've been feeling confused and like I just couldn't wrap my mind around what I was even thinking or feeling.  By the time I was done, I expected her to drive me straight to the psychiatric ward and wish me well.  But instead, she said exactly what I wasn't expecting...

She said, "I don't think you care as much as you think you do."

...um...wait........what?........really?......

She went onto say, "Yeah. I think the thought of losing something is confusing you into thinking you care more than you do...but I can tell that you don't.  So, I think you're going to be just fine 'cause you're not as invested as you may be afraid that you are, and because of that, it's okay if you lose this."

I know that this may not be making any sense to you as a reader...but it was one of the more freeing things I'd been told recently.  She was right...I didn't care as much as I thought I did.

This past weekend, I was shooting a wedding with a friend and we were struggling to get the little flower girl to look at the camera and smile...that is until my friends said, "Don't look at the camera! Don't you dare smile!" Immediately, the little girl turned, put her hand on her hip, and gave us the biggest grin her little face could stretch.

I find that sometimes, I'm that little flower girl. I'm still a little four year old that wants to cry for the very toy I didn't see until someone else is holding it. It could be personal relationships, business opportunities, friendships, someone's opinion of us, or notoriety...whatever it is, it seems so clear when it's said back to me, but so difficult to see inside my own heart.

So the truth is, I don't care as much as I think I do.  She was right, and that was a great thing.

Kathie-isms

Ooooh Kathie Inoue.  She was known for a good line or two. :) 

My mom and I would always signs notes back and forth with the same tagline, "Faster. Higher. Stronger."...and hers is the voice in my head, telling me to do just that...it's kind of annoying at times, I'll be honest. ;)

You give me a topic, and I'm sure I could think of a Kathie-quote.  So, in honor of Mother's Day, here are eleven (of MANY) that still haunt motivate me. ;)

1. Get rid of what you don't want, to make room for what you do.

2. Remember who you represent.

3. Don't ever be too proud to pick up a penny. 

Sidenote: I've never liked picking up pennies and still rarely do!...sorry, mother dear. ;)

4. We're raising you to be leaders...and leadership is uncomfortable. So get used to being uncomfortable.

5. If you love on people, you will never lack friends. Don't ever be so selfish to think you're the only one lonely...just look in the corners of the room and you'll find plenty of people who would welcome your conversation.

6. You can never out-give God.

7. It's better to spend a little more on classic and a little less on trendy.

8. Ask questions. 

9. There are friends who are there for a season...and then there are friends who you'll grow old with...invest in the latter.

10. The best cure for depression is serving others.

11. The one thing everyone in this world has in common, is everyone just wants to be loved. So love.

Happy Mother's Day Weekend!!

Somedays, You Just 'Do'

I was sitting across the table from my friend over stale coffee as fresh tears were coming down her cheeks.  The knot in my throat was beating with every emotion I was trying to contain, as I listened to her talk about losing her dad.  If I could have willed the the pain into my own heart in order to lessen hers, I would have done it a thousand times over.  I told myself, "I've done this, I'd do it again if it meant she didn't have to"...but that's the thing about mourning...you have to walk through it...no one can take it from you.  I wanted to thank all those friends who sat across the table from me in all those coffee shops, living rooms, college apartments, almost 11 years ago, as I understood that not being able to aleviate someone's pain is a form of pain in itself.

She sat looking at her coffee.

I sat looking at her.

Then she asked the question I've asked and have been asked so many times,

"How do you get through it?"

It's been almost 11 years...how could I not have a better answer than the one I knew I was going to give her?  How is it that it's been over a decade and I still dread June 11th?  

How do you get through it. 

I told her what I've told so many, 

"Somedays, you just 'do'". 

Everyone mourns in their own way.  I can only speak from my story...and this is my story. 

I said to her, there were some days when I literally remember looking up at my ceiling and saying, "One step at a time...literally.  Tami, push the covers back. No, seriously, you're allowed to be sad...you're not allowed to feel sorry for yourself, you're not allowed to give up. Tami, walk to the bathroom...brush your teeth...get in the shower...get dressed...go to class..."

You may think I'm kidding. I wish I was.

Those moments turn to seconds.  Seconds turn to hours, which turn to days.  

I didn't live every day like that, but there were many in that first year that I did.  I made myself some promises that I stuck to, because I knew they were going to be my lifeline to not letting her death win over my life.  I'm not an expert...just a testimony.  So here were some truths I discovered that saved me...

You're allowed to be sad.  You're not allowed to feel sorry for yourself.

I come from a family who doesn't show their emotions quickly.  I'm definitely considered the most emotional out of the bunch, and my friends laugh at that since they say I'm not emotional...so if that tells you anything. :) But I remember talking to my sister Heidi and was saying how I was feeling frustrated that if I felt myself wanting to cry about her, people would be thinking I was depressed.  She said, "Tami. You're 21 and you just lost your mom...I think it's okay for you to be sad." I'm not sure why her saying that changed so much for me.  It was like I could relax a little, and I felt normal.  She was right...it was good in that time to be sad.

However, there's a difference between being sad and pitting yourself...don't give yourself permission for self-pity. I held to this one like it was my oxygen...and not because I was trying to be a self-righteous saint.  Not at all.  I clung to this because I quickly realized that self-pity will take you deeper and faster into a hole that you cannot get out of...it's like strapping on an anchor to a person who is already struggling to swim.  It's okay to say, "This sucks.  It really does.  I'm sad and this is hard." But that's where it ends...self-pity is depression's greatest ally, so don't give into it...please.

Give yourself permission to be happy.

My sister says she remembers the first time she laughed after my mom passed away.  I don't remember when I did...probably sooner than "appropriate"!  There's this guilty feeling that comes with laughing and feeling happy after a tragedy.  It's easy to feel like we're somehow discounting the fact that we miss them, but you're not.  Let yourself feel happy, know that your happiness does not subtract from the profound loss you experienced...it's a gift straight from God himself to laugh and feel happy again, so relish in it.  Our family laughs easily and a lot...it's been one of the best things for us and has held us together.  Sometimes, people cry with laughter...and that's okay too...but just know, it's a great thing to be happy. 

Remember that I carry on her legacy...bring life to it.
My mom lived an extraordinary life.  There was no doubt about that...everyone that knew her, knows that.  I knew that her story goes on with her family, and the real tragedy would be that if the result of her death was her family falling apart.  No...that wasn't an option.  We wouldn't just make it through, we'd be stronger.  But this meant being vulnerable, open, and living a life more exposed than I was previously comfortable living.  We didn't get through by numbing anything...no, you let yourself feel every ounce of that pain, the loss...but always in the direction of healing.  Many of my friends are not Christians, including this dear friend who lost her dad so they will deal differently (although, I don't think for a second that you have to be a Christian to fall on God and pray to Him)...but like I said, I can only speak from my story.  I am one and clung to my belief in a kind and trustworthy God over and over and over again.  I remember one of the pastors saying at her funeral that there was no hug, no word spoken, no kind gesture that could reach to the very core of the pain...that God reserves that part only for Himself to be able to fill.  If you've been through any kind of life-changing pain whether it be a heartbreak, loss of anything or anyone meaningful to you, you know that core pain he was talking about.  I would have loved to numb it, but because I knew nothing would, I held up that core hurt to God so many many times asking him to simply hold it for me...that I couldn't, but He could...and He did.

Some kind of ocean view always seems very appropriately cliche when discussing this topic! ;)

Purpose to be a source of light.
At some point, without realizing it, I had started to create a pattern where I would go to my sister's homes when things were difficult.  I remember sitting at the kitchen table and I was feeling sad and my nephew came up very concerned and said, "Tami, don't cry...womens don't cry." Haha! I laughed and said, "Well, womens cry...your mom doesn't." ;)  But something about that struck me and I purposed right there to change something.  I think it's okay for "womens to cry"...and men for that matter, but I asked myself, how do I want my nephews to feel when they see me walk through their door?  Do they see a dark cloud or white light?  I wanted to be light.  It's not always easy to do this when you're going through a time of mourning, and there's a time and place for letting yourself feel sad (necessary too)...but overall, do you want to be a giver or a taker?  The absence of joy or the source of it? I have very good little motivators...seven (soon to be 8) of them, who look up to me.  I want my roommate to come home and feel like it's a joyful place in her life.  It takes a conscious effort to be present, to look people in the eye, to truly see them, to smile...but effort is good.  It's okay if you're sad and people can read it in your eyes.  It's okay if you don't feel like a source of light...or joy.  You don't have to fake perfection...in fact, don't...that's annoying.  But there is a lot of joy and healing that comes from getting out of your own head, out behind your own eyes, and see how you can begin to take this very sad experience in your life and use it as a motivator for joy.  It'll come, trust me...it'll come.

I could make a list of 20-50 thoughts when going through tragedy...but the honest truth is, some days, you still find yourself laying in your bed, staring up at the ceiling, and you're not sure how you're going to make it through.  You can't remember the 4 points...or was it 5?  On those days, you just want to be sad, you don't feel like being a source of light, you don't feel like you can walk through another 24 hour day...you can't feel past the pain...you can barely feel at all.  On those days, you just push through the motions: you push back those covers, you walk to the bathroom, you brush those teeth.

...All you know is that you can. NOT. give. up...

...and so how do you get through this? Well, my brave little warrior, somedays you just 'do'. 

It was a good week

This past week was a good one....busy, but very good.  It consisted of unexpected dinners with friends, getting a fun package from a friend, good conversations, some spring cleaning, a massive Easter egg hunt, breakfast in pjs with my nieces and nephews, and a visit home.  

I got to "eat" chocolate chip cookie soup made straight out of a mudpie kitchen by my nieces and nephew and deemed it, "Su-pherb young chefs!! Mwah!!"...to which they giggled uncontrollably and called me "very silly"...one of the highest compliments as there are few things they love more than silly. :)

Yep, it was a good week. 

Rebranding...Who would have guessed?

So...yes.  I am at the beginning stages of rebranding.

I've put off this process for quite some time...for a lot of reasons, but mostly, I think it's because I didn't know what my brand was.  If you ask me the kind of music, food, movies, or photography I like, I feel like I'm kind of all over the place.  Generally, I like it all!

I never go on Pinterest...I just felt like it was one more social media addiction I didn't need to have in my life.  However, it was suggested that I make a board on there of just things I like, things that catch my eye, pictures, food, clothes, music...all of it.

So, for the past couple days, I've pinned, and wouldn't let myself look at the board 'cause I didn't want to start pinning in order to make my board look cohesive.  Finally, this morning, I went to go see what it looks like...thinking I wouldn't be able to find anything that I could find inspiration for a brand...and I'll be honest, the result was very surprising to me because...

It turns out that I think I kind of have a feel for what I'm drawn to! Who would have guessed?  Basically, if I squint my eyes, I can see a cohesiveness in colors, style, and a general feel.  I have to tell you, it was such a pleasant surprise to me!!

Now, onto step two...finding the right person to help refine it.  I'll be honest, I'm both excited and curious about this process and how it works...but in any case, I think it's going to be fun, and so ready or not, here I go.

Popcorn + Youdles

I love popcorn.  I'm not sure who discovered this amazing snack, but whoever you were, I salute you.

The following may scare you, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.

So my brother in law, who is also a math teacher, has told me about this concept of youdles.  It's a mathematical measurement for enjoyment.  I've tried to Google this term, and can't find it, but I trust Matt-a-tat, so I'm going with it.

The idea is to get the most youdles out of an experience.  Because of this, Matt has a specific way in which he eats Oreos, and he also knows when to stop eating them, because if you over-indulge in a pleasure, then you're not getting the most youdles and therefore, diminishing the quality and amount of enjoyment you could have.  Basically, the point is to maximize your youdles.

Well, Matt and I have spent much time talking about how to maximize our youdles...yes, we're scaring you.  But this is why my brother-in-laws are awesome.

So, back to popcorn...where all full circles end with me.

I eat popcorn about 5 nights a week...so I've had time to think about this. I have this thing where in order to maximize my youdles while eating popcorn, my bowl needs to be the right weight.  If my bowl is too heavy and bulky, then it minimizes the taste of popcorn and makes me feel like I'm eating air.  And when I sit, it's awkward to hold a really heavy bowl.  However, if I get a bowl that's too light...like a plastic bowl, that makes me feel like I'm just holing a balloon and nothing feels quite sturdy.

So, I have discovered the perfect bowl for my popcorn consumption is this strainer I have.  It's just the right size and weight...sometimes, I think in another life, I'd be Goldilocks.


Okay...I'm done with that weird bowl topic.  Just felt like it needed to be shared. :)

But I was also going to say is that I try many different mixtures of popcorn, and thought you should know about a couple...

1. I think Stircrazy or popcorn made in a popcorn pan on a stove is the best.  However, that's often not an option, so I also like Popsecret's Homestyle popcorn...tastes pretty close!

2. I also really like the combination of kettle corn and chilli cheese fritos...the curly ones that look like pasta.  Yep, if you mix those together, it's amazefest-USA. Trust me.

3. I also like:

• popcorn with a little garlic salt
• popcorn with pepper
• popcorn with cumin

4. I never drink a glass of milk...however, when it comes to popcorn, it's such a good combination. Not sure why.

I actually have a popcorn recipe book.  I can't say that I'm a popcorn connoisseur as I'm not biased...I actually love stale or burnt popcorn just as much as fresh.  I like any kind of popcorn. I'm just saying...popcorn is so good. 

So, the conclusion to this ridiculous post is this:

I love popcorn. 

I'm a little OCD when it comes to my popcorn bowl. 

And I recently went and watched Noah...worst movie ever, but I have pleasant memories of the experience because of my popcorn.

Random 10

My friend, Nikki Closser, who recently did a shoot of me asked me to come up with 10 things about myself that you probably don't know for when she posts the pictures.  I wasn't sure what you wouldn't know about me at this point since I feel like this blog is just one big open book.  However, I came up with 10, and thought I'd use them for a random Friday post.  I know I just posted answers for the 50 questions, so this feels like an overload of useless facts about me...the timing got a little off.  I promise, no more of this next week! :)

What are your Random 10?

1. I played soccer from the age of 6 to 18 years old, and never scored a single goal! Ha! Actually, I did one time but they didn't count it because the goalie had gotten flagged right before it.  I'd like to justify this terrible statistic by the fact that I always played defense...but I think I was always played defense 'cause I had little fear in the game and couldn't aim to save my life.

2. I almost majored in piano performance...but didn't because I never wanted to come to the place of hating it.  If there is one form of "art" I am most comfortable with...it's piano.  But it's probably what I'm also most vulnerable with, so no one but my family ever hears me play. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't enjoy practicing.  My mom was a very great pianist...so in a weird way, I feel very connected to her whenever I play.

3. I always clean in numbers.  I load the dishwasher or clean my room, or fold laundry in numbers.  I'll do 10 or 20 of something, and then do something fun like check Instagram, or text a friend.  Then, I'll do 10 or 20 more, and find another reward.  Basically, I'm 5 years old.

4. I broke my right arm when I was about 6 years old, and have never been able to completely straighten it ever since.  I was trying to swing from one branch to another...thus, ending my Tarzan stunt double career aspirations right then and there.

5. One of my biggest guilty pleasures and time-wasters is watching interviews on Youtube.  I'll watch clips from talk shows, daytime or late night, Oprah, Larry King, Howard Stern, Barbara Walters, 20/20, people promoting their movies...you name it.  I'll often have that playing while I work on my laptop.  It's a little weird, I'll admit it.

6. Being raised in Japan, I didn't have a favorite Disney princess.  Instead, my hero was of a boy named Momo Taro who was a little warrior born from a peach.

7. I'm a descendant of Samurai.  Which means, technically, our family was once royalty...and mentally, I have a roundhouse kick you don't want to mess with.

8. I have this weird habit that began when we were on a family roadtrip to Arizona one year.  It's where I "jump over" mailboxes, light poles, and the road lines with my teeth.  It was a game I started playing with myself, and now it's a terrible habit.  I'd never heard of anyone else doing it until last year when I was watching an interview (ha! see, full circle!) with Hugh Jackman...and he does the exact same thing! Considering he's awesome, I now feel quite justified. :)

9. I have this thing with the time 11:11. I can't quite explain it.

10. Most people know I have a great interest in politics, but a lot of people don't know that I lived in Oklahoma City, OK as an assistant to a State Senator and then a State Representative.  I still keep in contact with a couple of them still.  I was going to run for office someday...don't laugh.  Just kidding you can laugh.

Have a great weekend!!

DISH: Little Goat

I'm not sure why I'm going to attempt to write a review on 

Little Goat

820 W Randolph St, Chicago, IL

littlegoatchicago.com

only because you could find reviews all over the internet for this diner...it's DEFINITELY become a hot spot in Chicago.  However, as I specialize in giving you the "best friend review" and I'd just really hate for you to miss out on my Tami-isms and exclamatory words, here it is.  Just get ready for a LOT of '!'s'...!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

So, just for you Top Chef fans out there, this is just one of many restaurants owned by Chef Stephanie Izard who won Season 3 of the show.  I'd heard Little Goat mentioned soooo many times by several people, so when my friends, Brian + Alison came to the city, I took Alison there for breakfast (Brian was attending a conference...I won't sugar coat the fact that he really missed out!).

We walked into Little Goat and immediately, there was a photobooth.  Very random...but I was like, "Bam! I like this place already!"...I don't think I said the "Bam!" part, but I definitely thought it.  However, it's a few dollars for the photobooth so we opted not to do it.  We put in our name, and as there was a wait, we were encouraged to check out the coffee shop and bakery in the back. 

If you walk to the back of the restaurant, they have this little coffee corner, a wall where you can buy sauces, mugs, coffee, t-shirts, etc.  There's also a bar and a bakery, and a large window where you can see right into their kitchen.  This place was everything I loved right down to the details!!!!!! Oh boy, here come the exclamation points!!...

We had the option to wait a little longer for a booth, or we could get seated at the communal seating...I'm not sure why, but when it comes to breakfast and diners, I really don't mind the communal seating and actually find it to be kind of fun.  It's this feeling like we're "all in this together"...and then I start singing High School Musical and Troy Bolton asks me out.  Wow...braintrain.  Sorry.  

I think I also like it because there's some retro feel about sitting at tables like this...not sure why I think that, I just do...and I always like a little throwback to retro. ;)  The negative (or possibly positive for eavesdroppers) is you really just have to let go of the fact of having a private conversation...or like Al and myself, still have it and just know that it was absorbed 2-4 people deep on either side.  Ugh, who cares...we're all just living life and doing our best to get through, right? :)

Okay...I just have to tell you, the menu is VERY overwhelming in the very best of ways...

It's not overwhelming in size or items, but in that you have to read or have described to you every dish...because no dish is 'normal'.  It was like she takes classic dishes and not only elevates them but puts a twists (often asian...but nothing about the place feels asian) on it and I was thinking, "Is that really going to be good?"...but you just trust that it is 'cause it's Chef Izard...and this is Little Goat.  

To be honest, I can't even tell you what Alison ordered, except that it was a blue plate special.  It was some kind of egg sandwich with shallots and pickled onions with smoked ham and hollandaise sauce.  I had two bites of it, and I'm STILL thinking about it.  That sandwich seriously became like the third person to our day because we referred back to it, longed for it, and missed it so much...

This is now the second time I've ordered french toast and I do NOT have a sweet tooth, and NEVER crave sweet breakfasts.  However, I asked the waitress what her favorite item was, and this is what she recommended so I went with it...and let me tell you, it was...waaaaait for it......ah-maaaaaaaazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Mine was a french toast with breaded chicken in panko bread crumb and fried with strawberries and a a maple syrup that had BBQ sauce infused.  INSIDE each piece of toast was a poached egg!!!!!!!!! No...for real....I know you think I'm lying...I'm not.  Ugh!!!! This became friend number 4 on our day!  I miss my friends. :)

The cost, as you'd expect, is pricier than a regular diner...it's definitely worth the cost, but yes, it's not cheap.  If you do it like we did, and go for brunch (they serve their full menu all day I believe), then it's not bad if you're not paying for breakfast AND lunch.  Also, both Alison and I only ate half our meal, so you could also split or just know you can take home the other half. I'm also going to guess that if you go to her higher-end restaurant across the street, Girl and a Goat, you'd be paying a pretty penny for that meal...so I love that there's this option at a more affordable cost.

Our server was very sweet, helpful and knowledgable.  I do remember thinking that our service wasn't quite as good (as in they couldn't keep up with my massive consumption of water and coffee) very well.  I think that's due to the communal seating...it's just harder for them to keep track.  So, when we had service, it was good, but I do have to dock a little on service for that reason.

But my overall review is Absolutely DIVINE!! This diner is definitely worth the visit...I have a hard time imagining anyone being disappointed!!...unless you're a regular eggs and bacon kind of person (which is great too!)...you may not like it.  For me?...it was simply exquisite.

Rating Scale: 1-awful 2-bad 3-average 4-good 5-dance a jig

location: 4

cost: 3.5 (I'm not docking for cost because I don't think paying more for food is always a bad thing...and it wasn't in this case)

taste: 5

ambiance: 4.5

service: 3.5

would I return again: Absolutely.

4.1/5 

 *I'd check out their website if you're interested 'cause even their site is fun and quirky...just like the diner.

**I've also heard from several sources that their nachos are "MIND BLOWING".  I didn't order them since I knew I wouldn't enjoy them to the full extent as a breakfast item...but I'd try them the next time.